Values Based Motivation

What’s the thing you know you should do? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. You should start exercising. You should eat healthier. You should clean your room. You should schedule that appointment. You should have a hard talk with someone. You should start up a new hobby, or maybe you should cut down the hobbies and you should start budgeting. Maybe you’re great at doing everything you want to do. In which case, this may not be the article for you. But if there’s a bunch of things you know you should do that you aren’t, I’m going to talk about an alternative to shoulding yourself to death that I call values-based affirmations.

I suspect that folks with ADHD will resonate with these problems and I hope you get some value out of it; chronic executive dysfunction is really hard. But it also may help out anyone who’s having problems doing things.

The problem with should

There’s always so much that we need to do. A pretty overwhelming amount. Some things we can just do. Different things for different people. Some people can just wake up and brush their teeth. Other people never seem to be able to or only under great duress. And maybe that person who can just brush their teeth really has problems getting their bills paid on time, even when they have the money.

So we resort to shoulding and shaming ourself to try to get the thing done. Which has some benefits but also causes some problems. Sometimes when we should ourself enough and the stars align, we actually finally do the thing that we need to do. Great! But then there’s a new thing that needs to get done. It’s a long process and, if we’re self-critical, we start feeling really bad about ourself “why can’t I just do this? Everyone in the world can just brush their teeth. I should just brush my teeth.” It’s intensely demotivating.

Try saying one of your “I should” statements out loud. “I should clean my office.” How are you feeling? Probably some anxiety just popped up, some shame. Maybe your shoulders tensed up or your stomach twisted. Even if you didn’t have an obvious response, you’re probably not feeling excited to do it.

“Shoulds” also conversely let ourself off the hook. When we spend a lot of time thinking about what we should be doing, it feels like we’re engaging with the subject not just being lazy or dismissive. Progress may even feel like it’s getting made because we’re working on getting out and doing it. But that’s a trap because we’re probably not any closer to doing the thing than we were.

How to create a values based motivation

So instead of using should statements, I’ve been working on the idea of values based motivation. It’s got three parts to it. Naming why you don’t want to do it. Naming how doing it matches your values. Developing an “I choose” statement that feels true.

I really don’t want to

I think there’s an idea in American culture that if we acknowledge why we don’t want to do something that’s being lazy or a complainer or just making excuses. But truth is, there’s a lot of reasons we don’t want to do the thing! When I think about cleaning my home office–which is very messy–I know all the reasons I don’t want to do it. It’s not fun. It’ll take a lot of time. It’ll be hard work. It’ll take a ton of willpower as I figure out what to do with everything. I’ll get distracted. Those are all true even if I don’t like them.

Ignoring the reasons why I don’t want to doesn’t make me any more likely to get my room clean. In fact, it’s more likely that I’ll not clean my room because A) I’m not addressing the ones that I can change and B) they all meld together into a mess of bad feels that I don’t want to touch because it feels overwhelming.

So pick a should you have. What are the reasons why you don’t want to do it? Be honest. Be complainy! No one’s going to judge or criticize you except you. Even if it’s a “stupid” reason or it’s childish, it’s part of why you’re not doing it. Saying you should just get over them or get more mature probably won’t work. Say them or write them down.

How are you feeling? What are you thinking about yourself after saying the reasons you don’t want to do it? Maybe some shame is present. Maybe there’s some relief. Maybe there’s anger or sadness. Notice that emotion for a bit and how it feels.

And it’s important to me

We’ve talked about why you don’t want to. Now come up with why it’s important to you. Again, be truthful. But this one might take a bit more work. We want to come at it from a place of values not a place of shame. So try to avoid statements like “I’m a lazy POS if I don’t.” Instead, maybe say “I want to see what it’s like to be productive.”

My statements for cleaning my office look like. It’s easier to find things when I have a clean office. I feel proud of myself after I clean sometimes and I like that feeling. It’s an act of compassion to take care of my space. I really enjoy having a clean office. I can decorate and make my office fancy if it’s clean. It’s easier to have fun with my kids.

What are you reasons why the thing you want to do is important to you?

These took some work for me to come up with and I felt some shame gnawing at my stomach that it was so hard and I couldn’t figure it out right away. It may not feel good for you to come up with your reasons why it’s important. That’s okay. You can put it aside and come back to this later if you choose. If you want to stick with it, you don’t need a lot. Even one can be helpful.

If you’re stuck or what more inspiration, a list of generic values such as this https://jamesclear.com/core-values may help you. Take the ones that stand out to you and see how you can make them apply. I value cleaning my office for the peace it gives me not to be tripping all over everything, for example.

These are your reasons why. For health. For family. To try something new. To get closer to a life you want to live. For fun. For satisfaction and pride. The more we can remember our reasons why we want a change, the more likely we are to make one.

But these values shouldn’t be used as a weapon. If you find yourself thinking thoughts like “If I really cared about self-care, I’d already be brushing my teeth daily” or “I’m a crummy person for not doing this already. It’s so important to me.” Then this will hurt just as much as using a should statement. Recognize that those thoughts are coming up and see if you can take them a little less seriously. (I might write a full article on this if you’re interested).

I choose

So you know your reasons why and why not. They’re all true and they all go together. Just because you haven’t been doing the thing doesn’t mean you care about it any less.

So now we’re going to craft an “I choose” statement.

“I choose” is different from “I should.” An “I choose” statement is ideally specific. “I choose to clean my office” lets me off the hook. “I choose to clean my office tonight when the kids are asleep” makes a concrete commitment. I WILL clean my office tonight. To maximize the chance you’ll do it, see if you can use them to do the thing right now. They’re also ideally shame and judgement free. They’re not “I choose to do this so I’m not lazy”

Come up with an “I choose” statement for your commitment. It can be long or short.

“I choose” statements also need to feel true. A lot of times we say “I should” with hesitation in our hearts. We know we’re not going to do it in our heart of hearts. But we’re going to try to feel the strength of that choice. One way is to see if you can say your statement out loud. If you can’t say it, or it feels bad to say it, or you know you’re lying, you’re probably not going to do it. Maybe I can’t tackle cleaning my full office and I can’t say the whole sentence.

So you edit your choice. “I choose to tidy up my desk tonight.” “I choose to schedule time this weekend to spend the afternoon cleaning.” Whatever makes sense for your life.

You’re also allowed to acknowledge that you will not do it. If I’m having a busy overwhelming week at work, I probably won’t commit to anything. Maybe there’s something else it makes sense to change it to. “I’m too overwhelmed to clean at all. Instead, I choose to rest and I choose not to shame myself for resting.”

Putting it altogether

Now you’ve got your three parts. Why you don’t want to or can’t. Why it’s important to you. What you choose to do. So now craft a sentence for yourself. Come up with a brief phrase to sum up all the reasons you don’t want to, why it’s important, and then state your choice.

“Cleaning my office isn’t fun at all and I don’t like it. And I’ll feel really accomplished and be able to decorate when it’s clean. I choose to clean tonight after my kids are asleep.”

What’s your Values-based Motivation?

Now that you’ve got it, try saying it out loud. Take your time. Say why you don’t want to forcefully! You don’t want to do it! Now, while you’re feeling that, say why you do want to do it. Imagine, without shame, how your life will be different once you do. Imagine how you’ll feel, the good at the bad. Let both of them sit together. You don’t want to and you do want to. Both are true. Then, lastly, what is your choice? What do you commit to doing? What are the odds you’re actually going to follow through with it? If you don’t, how are you going to treat yourself? I’m giving 50/50 odds that I won’t clean my office tonight, but that’s better than my usual 90/10 that I won’t.¹

Sit with it today. If you feel shame and self-criticism pop up, try not to engage with them. There’s lots of good reasons why you’re not. If it was easy you would have done it already. See if you do the thing you want to do.

Good luck! I’m rooting for you. And if you still don’t do your thing, be kind to yourself. You’re doing your best. Keep on trying.